With the college football season starting in less than two weeks, I figured it would be a good time to analyze the current Top 5 teams of the USA Today Coaches’ Poll. Now, I could go into great detail about the offensive and defensive schemes, but that’s already been beat to hell on ESPN. So let’s mix it up. Here are the Top 5 teams and their Hollywood counterparts. (Note: Some of these focus on the current coach, some on the program as a whole. Why? Because I’m lazy.)
1. LSU Tigers—Marlon Brando
It’s easy to look at these two and think, “How the hell did they get to where they are?” because it doesn’t seem like any of the right pieces are there. But no one can possibly deny the results they have produced. The grass-eating being known as Les Miles has won multiple SEC championships and a national championship. Brando won countless awards and is considered one of the greatest actors of all time. They both carry themselves in an aura of obliviousness that can come across as cocky. And of course, the most obvious comparison of all: Brando showed up to the set of Apocalypse Now without having read the script. Miles showed up the 2012 BCS National Championship Game without having read a playbook.
2. Alabama Crimson Tide—Daniel Day-Lewis
Does it not seem that pretty much every time Daniel Day-Lewis takes on a role he wins the Academy Award? And even if he doesn’t win, he’s still getting Oscar buzz before the movie even starts filming? This parallels quite well with Nick Saban. Think about this: In the last seven years that Nick Saban has been coaching college football, he was won three national championships. More than half of all the Division-1 college football schools have never won ANY national titles. Three in seven years is an absurd, disgusting ratio. And yes, I bet Saban is as method as Day-Lewis. He will play any part you want him to, and he will give 110%, never breaking character. Just so long as you sign on the dotted line and give him his $5 million.
3. USC Trojans—Frank Sinatra
People across the country have always complained about USC having an unfair recruiting advantage by being so close to Hollywood. So naturally, a Hollywood icon has to fit here. And none do more perfectly than Francis himself. Always having that sly smile that says, “I don’t care what you think about me because I live in 75 degree weather year round.” People may say they hate them, but it’s really just jealousy. Have they achieved some of their success through illegitimate means? Possibly even using the mafia? Sure, but look at how sexy and cool they are! You’ve got Will Ferrell AND Snoop Dogg on the sidelines? While that might not be Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr., you’re still covering a large demographic with those two. Quarterback Matt Barkley looks like something created by extraterrestrial life, where they watched a copious amount of high-school football movies, decided to create a quarterback of their own, and — voilà — you have the perfect specimen. Oh, and don’t forget about those Song Girls. Oh, yes, those Song Girls.
4. Oklahoma Sooners—Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler is consistently the highest-paid actor in Hollywood. He gets at least $20 million for every film he appears in (He even got $2 million as a producer for the unbearably offensive barf-fest Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star). I can’t find anyone who finds his films funny, and critics consistently pan everything he puts out. Yet, his films always manage to do just enough at the box office to warrant another high payday on the next one. Bob Stoops is in the same category. One of (if not the) highest paid coaches in college football. He has horrible media relations (i.e. the critics). And he consistently flops at the most critical times during the season. But he always manages to win just enough games to warrant him sticking around. I can just see Athletic Director Joe Castiglione saying, “Well, Bob, you ended another disappointing season with a victory in the Insight.com bowl over Iowa. But hey, you still managed to win ten games. Here’s a $1 million raise!” People frequently say about Sandler, “Yeah, his new movies aren’t very good, but Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore from back in the 90s are classics!” In similar fashion, Bob Stoops and his fans can say, “Well, at least we will always have the 2000 season.”
5. Oregon Ducks—Channing Tatum
The hot new thing. These two seemingly came out of nowhere to emerge near the pinnacle of their respective areas of work. For Tatum, he has succeeded where other recent pretty boys–McConaughey, Efron, etc.–failed: winning over the male audience. It’s easy to get the ladies with a body sculpted by the hands of Zeus, but that can often turn off the beer-belly-bearing males of America. This dude’s got something else there. I don’t necessarily know if it’s acting ability, but he seems to be doing a decent enough job. Meanwhile, the Oregon Ducks run the sexiest of offenses, and it’s only magnified by their ever-changing uniforms provided by Nike kingpin Phil Knight. Most people won’t admit it, but they enjoy watching them run their flag-football style plays. Something about those abs … I mean, those running sweeps; you simply can’t take your eyes off of them, as if there is real substance behind the glamour. Will these two be able to maintain this success that has seemed to blossom over night? That’s yet to be seen, but in the meantime, there ain’t nothing wrong with what they’re doing.
10. Arkansas Razorbacks—Steven Seagal
I always picture Seagal being around other actors and saying, “Psh, I’d much rather have a straight-to-DVD than a theatrical release any day. I’m not crazy. You’re the crazy one! Hah!” and then proceeding to give himself a high five. This is how Razorback fans react to consistently finishing fourth or worse in the SEC.
15. Texas Longhorns—Matthew McConaughey
Okay, maybe a little too easy of a comparison. But both seem to carry themselves purely on an undeserved reputation rather than results, but you still give them a little respect because … well, I guess Austin is a pretty cool city.
19. Oklahoma State Cowboys—Megan Fox
It’s okay to unfasten your seatbelts, because the ride is coming to an end.
24. Notre Dame Fighting Irish—Madonna
Remember me? I used to be important. Look at me! LOOK AT ME!!!