Must-See Holiday Programming

There is countless holiday programming on television, and it can be a bit overwhelming at times.  So I decided to go through and give you a heads up on which ones are really worth watching.  Fire up your DVRs and let’s get to celebrating!

Justin Bieber’s “I Hate the Holidays” Extravaganza (8:00pm, Dec. 21, ABC)

I would initially think that the Biebs has had a few too many eggnogs, but being as that he is under the age of 21—and we all know that a kid like Justin would never break the law—this can’t be the case.  So clearly Justin Bieber is going to test the limits of his rock-star status.  He wants to know if, even after disparaging their favorite time of year, he will still be adored by millions of thirteen year old girls.  They already say he’s better than John Lennon, so he’s taking the “more popular than Jesus” idea to new heights.  Closing number is rumored be a mash-up “O’ Holy Night” with Lil’ Wayne’s “I Wish I Could F*** Every Girl in the World.”  Experts expect this to be the top song on iTunes come Christmas Day.

Jeff Foxworthy’s Second Annual “You Might be a Reindeer” Special (7:00pm, Dec. 23, CMT)

The patriarch of blue-collar comedy is back with a laugh-every-few-minutes-if-we’re-lucky standup routine that is sure to have you rolling on the floor … to better entertain yourself.  After last year’s failed attempt—most jokes were met with silence, with the occasional shout from the audience of “Hey, tell one of your redneck jokes!”—Jeff is determined to not take “No” for an answer.  Judging from the preview, he has a gaggle of new material, including this gem: “If you your back hooves get stuck in your buddies antlers, you might be a reindeer.”  All viewers will receive a complimentary six-pack of Lone Star (expected delivery time of four weeks post-airing).

Hipsters Love Our Crude Animation, Charlie Brown (8:00pm, Dec. 24, PBS)

Time to call up your buds on your old rotary phone, put on your best pair of fake glasses, and squeeze into those skinny jeans one more time, as we celebrate a Christmas tradition in watching this classic Peanuts film.  Some will say that these age-old specials have lost some of their luster over the years, that the animation simply doesn’t hold up over time, and the new generation of children don’t care.  Well, don’t mention that to the hipster movement.  They will quickly tell you how the simplicity of the drawing is a reflection of the times, a reflection of the true nature of the soul, a status of where we ought to be as a society.  This year’s feature was to have a soundtrack by Gotye, but unfortunately, a requirement is you can’t be on the radio, so the movement is currently scrambling for a  replacement.  They seem to be running into issues finding an artist that no one else has heard of, though.

A Christmas Story (All Day, Dec. 25, TNT)

Ted Turner is a genius.  He somehow determined that what people truly want for Christmas is to watch the same movie over and over again, and so he decided to air A Christmas Story for the whole twenty-four hours of Christmas Day.  You’ll laugh the first time you hear the line “You’ll shoot your eye out!”  And then you may cry when you hear it for the 20th time.  But you’ll continue to watch because, hey, that’s what you do on Christmas.  Mr. Turner recently has said he regrets not being the one to create the twenty-four hour burning Yule log channel; perhaps Ted is losing his touch.

Rob Parker’s Twelve Days of Christmas (9:00pm ET, Dec. 26, ESPN3)

ESPN analyst Rob Parker wanted to experience a true twelve days of Christmas, and sure enough, his employer gave him the perfect opportunity.  Since being suspended by the network on December 13th for stating that Redskin’s Quarterback Robert Griffin III wasn’t black enough, Mr. Parker’s had a lot of time to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas.  The day after Christmas, see if Rob has learned his lesson.  Sample lyrics of Parker’s rendition of the classic carol have already been leaked:

On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Five tasteless tweets
Four white girlfriends
Three “No Ways!”
Two GOPs
And a foot shoved deep in my mouth

Ryan Seacrest Presents “New Years Eve Bash 2012:  I Can’t Believe People Still Watch This Crap” (9:00pm, Dec. 31, FOX)

To top of your holiday viewing, what better than to celebrate the most-overrated holiday than with Ryan Seacrest, as he showcases the destruction of whatever remaining integrity is left in the music business.  Expect to see performances by boys with perfectly groomed hair, girls with lots of different colors in their hair, songs about boys who break up with their girlfriends, and songs about girls who won’t go out with this boy.  This year, the network is simulcasting via a backstage look at the show, which will feature Seacrest lighting his midnight cigar with burning $100 bills.


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