Nostradamus 2013: What To Expect That You’re Not Expecting

Worried about what 2013 may have in store? Here’s a heads-up on what to expect in the new year, good or bad.

1. Sylvester Stallone will make a movie called Fiscal Cliffhanger.

Stallone is an underrated actor, but for some reason he likes to rehash his older films and present them as new ideas. From Rocky V to Rambo IV (Side note: Can you still call it “First Blood” when it’s a sequel?) and now with the rumored production of The Expendables III, he clearly has his comfort zones.

But it’s time he goes back to the 1993 vertigo-inducing classic Cliffhanger. Sly knows that in order to keep pulling this off, he needs to find a topical subject to intertwine with his old flick. And the “fiscal cliff” debate is a perfect match. Why? Because absolutely no one knows what the hell a fiscal cliff is! Stallone’s creative mind can run rampant and come up with at-least-a-halfway decent action movie. I don’t know about you, but I’ve already pre-ordered my tickets through Fandango.

FiscalCliff

2. Doomsdayers will now predict the world to end on November 12, 2013.

The world decided to be a real jerk when it kept on spinning even though December 21 had passed, thus breaking the hearts of idiots worldwide. But have no fear, my dim-witted friends, because on the horizon is a new date that is sure to rattle your bones: 11/12/13. With a sequential order of that magnitude, surely something is bound to happen.

Also of note, 2013 is the first year since 1987 where every digit is different. And we all know what happened in 1987: the birth of Ke$ha.

3. On November 13, 2013, doomsdayers will predict the world to end on December 13, 2014.

Another year. Another heartbreak.

2014movie

4. Your cable/satellite will go out during the series finale of Breaking Bad.

There’s an age-old adage which states “Some things are worse than death.” Here is a prime example. It’s been a long journey with Walter White, we’ve experienced his ups and downs, we’ve hated him, we’ve loved him, and now right when it’s time to see how everything comes to an end … black out (or if you’re a TWC customer like me, you’ll get that ever-present message “This channel should be available shortly,”  which should really be followed by an “lol”).  In an ultimate twist, after thirty-seconds of nothing but blank screen, Jesse Pinkman will appear on screen and ask “How do you like technology now, bitch?”  You will then throw your DVR off your balcony.  Book it!

5.  Facebook will openly sell your information. 

After several years of fighting allegations, Facebook is going to admit that they don’t give a damn about your privacy and they’re done pretending otherwise.  The sad part is, everyone is going to complain, post meaningless disclaimers about their rights–as they have been since Facebook’s inception–but then they will continue to use the service.  I also predict posts to include, “You can’t tell others about my favorite movies!  Or share my photos of my dog!  That’s personal information I posted on a public website!  Outrage!”

6.  This will be the best year ever.

No joke, this is the year.  Happy 2013, y’all!

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