Five Things I Learned While Watching the Super Bowl

On Sunday, our nation’s favorite-yet-potentially-dangerous sport concluded its season with the Baltimore Ravens defeating the San Francisco 49ers 34-31 in Super Bowl XLVII. Before we begin the long countdown to next year’s gladiatorial gridiron festivities, let’s reflect on what we learned during those five (maybe six?) hours on Sunday night.

1. CBS Is Desperately Insecure

CBS felt it necessary to remind us, at least once every fifteen minutes, that it is the most watched network on television. Their tactics involved using actors from their various series—at least, I’m guessing that’s who those people are. Outside of Craig Ferguson, I’ve never watched a full episode of any CBS show. I gave Two and a Half Men a chance; had to shut it off after about six minutes. People rave about The Big Bang Theory (and I’ve given it due credit, as well) but it just didn’t do it for me (How can a show about geniuses be so dumb?). Clearly, the “Les Moonves System for a Top-Rated Network” consists of three elements: laugh track, police procedural, and Jerry Bruckheimer. Throw in at least four servings of each and, ¡voila!, you’ve got the most watched network. I’m not sure where the lack of confidence comes from, but, after Sunday night’s display, it’s safe to say we are fast approaching paranoia.

2. David Spade Still Exists

While watching one of these propaganda bits on CBS ratings, a face from my childhood popped up on screen. And thank heaven for DVRs, because I was forced to rewind it for confirmation. Sure enough, there was David Spade. You may remember Spade as being the sidekick to Chris Farley in two movies during the mid-90s. Other than that, I don’t know what else’s he’s been in. But curiosity got the best of me, so I looked him up on IMDb. I was shocked to see that his show on CBS—entitled Rules of Engagement—has been on the air since 2007. I’d honestly never heard of it until last night. Again, I don’t really watch CBS, so how would I know? Maybe I’m the reason Les was so adamant about the constant reminders.

3. Super Bowl Commercials Are New; Doesn’t Mean They Are Good

I swear, every year—well, at least every year since the explosion of social media—the collective population of the Internet is consistently disappointed with the advertisements that air during timeouts. At this point, people should know to stop putting them on a pedestal. Simply put, the companies main goal is not to impress you with how creative their ad execs are; they only want to further promote their brand. And the truth is, if their commercial sucks and everyone is talking about how terrible the commercial was … well, everyone is still talking about the company. Sure, it’d be nice to garner the most votes in HuffPost’s “Best Ad” poll (the equivalent of a pissing contest between 12-year-olds), but ultimately, just keeping the brand name afloat is the objective.

4. Sore Losers Love To Blame The Refs

Lest we forget, when a team loses a game in any sport, it is never because the other team was better (in fact, 49ers running back Frank Gore went on the record about it). So who do they blame in order make themselves feel better? Of course, it’s the officiating crew. Never mind that on the 4th and Goal pass, there was contact by both players. On that same goal line stand, forget about the horrendous play-calling (Three straight passes? Really?). How about not giving up a 108-yard kickoff return? Or maybe when a receiver makes a diving catch, falling to the ground, and is covered by two defenders, you manage to get a hand on him instead of letting him strut into the end zone. I’m by no-means a football coach or analyst (Side note: To be a professional analyst, is the only prerequisite having had previously watched a football game? Seems to be the case.), but when you’re gifted a momentum-swinging power outage, you have no right to complain.

5. Bar Refaeli Was Paid A Ton Of Money

At least, I hope so.

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