**Mooned by Monday is a recap of news stories from last week that may have missed mainstream coverage.**
Carlos Danger considering legal action against Rep. Weiner; claims emotional distress
While previously living his life in relative anonymity, Carlos Danger says with the new revelations in the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal, his life has taken a toll for the worse. “You know, before the whole Weiner deal, I really lived a great life. Now, I can’t take two steps out my front door without someone shouting, ‘Hey Carlos, show me your [expletive]!’ Even when I’m with my kids. It’s awful.” Danger says that he may consider legal action, and if possible, find other Carlos Dangers of America and file a class-action suit against the NYC mayoral candidate. Emotional distress and loss of income are the core complaints of his filing. “Party’s over, man. And I just feel that someone should have to pay.” However, Mr. Danger is able to keep things in perspective. “Still not as bad as my buddy Ron Mexico. Been more than seven years and that guy still can’t get any chicks.”
Los Angeles resident thinks he saw the Jay Z/Justin Timberlake concert; can’t confirm
The Legends of Summer Tour, featuring Jay Z and Justin Timberlake, was in full force on Sunday night, and one Los Angeles resident believes he may have actually seen it. With the concert taking place at the Rose Bowl–famous for football games and unholy traffic, even by L.A. standards–Ryan Shitforeyes purchased his tickets from a local vendor. “I was excited to see these two popular artists perform, but I’m not sure if I actually did.” With his seats at the top of Section 11, furthest away from the stage, Shitforeyes says he saw people walking around on stage, but the performers could have been anyone. “There’s a lot of actors in this town that need jobs, so they easily could have paid some kids a couple hundred bucks to be out there and I wouldn’t have known the difference.” Despite the lack of confirmed superstars, Shitforeyes says he had a great time. However, as of publishing this article, he is still sitting in traffic.
A-Rod hopes to play, but does enjoy “extra time for masturbation.”
Yankees’ 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez still has not been cleared to play after undergoing surgery in the offseason and then suffering from a strained quad, but Rodriguez has found some positives in his road to recovery. “While I’d love to be out there with my teammates, I’m quite happy to be able to spend more quality time with the one I love most.” A-Rod went on to describe how his masturbation frequency–generally accompanied by mirrors and a portrait of himself in centaur form–has skyrocketed during his stint on the bench. “With all the practices, games, and groupie sex parties that come with being a professional athlete, it’s easy to not pay proper attention to those who matter most. I’m realizing that even after 38 years of life, I’m still just as in love with my beautiful self as I was on day one.” In a later interview, Rodriguez did mention that if the Yankees don’t clear him to play soon, he’s planning on purchasing the organization, “with the money they gave me.”