This time last year, I did a piece entitled College Football’s Hollywood Counterparts, where I compared teams in the AP Preseason Top 25 to a respective actor. This year, I’m examining the teams of the Coaches Poll and how they correspond to some of the greatest–and some not so great–songs of all time.
25. Oregon State Beavers — Andy Griffith Theme Song
A college friend of mine once said that you could defuse any awkward situation by saying, “Hey look, The Andy Griffith Show is on,” and then proceed to sing the theme song. The truth is that Oregon State does absolutely nothing for me, and I honestly don’t know anything about their team. Hey, look, The Andy Griffith Show is on! Do doo doo. Do doo doo do. Do doo doo do.
24. USC Trojans — “The Heat is On” by Glenn Frey
Head coach Lane Kiffin did a masterful job last year of taking the #1 ranked team in the country and producing a 7-6 record. Some have been questioning Kiffin’s coaching ability since the beginning, and many more are beginning to wonder since he now boasts a 32-34 overall record as a head coach (both NFL and college). Lucky Lane still has his hot wife and $4 million salary, but if he doesn’t produce this year, he may be forced to con another team into hiring him.
23. Wisconsin Badgers — “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion
This whacky bunch from up north has played in three consecutive Rose Bowls. Granted, they lost all three, but it’s still quite the accomplishment. But they were heart broken when head coach Bret Bielema bolted off to Arkansas. The Badgers loved Bielema, but they have no choice other than move forward with the next guy, whatever his name may be.
22. Northwestern Wildcats — “High School Never Ends” by Bowling for Soup
When Pat Fitzgerald was hired in 2006 , he became the youngest head coach in Division 1-A at the age of 31. And let’s be real, he hasn’t aged a bit since then. Dude looks like he should be applying to colleges, not coaching at them.
21. UCLA Bruins — “Changes” by David Bowie
My oh my, did the Bruins figure something out. For years, they were the whipping boy of not only crosstown rival USC, but the Pac 12 as a whole. Jim Mora changed all of that, and UCLA appears to be on their way to ruling the South Division (much thanks to USC for sticking with Lane Kiffin for, at least, one more year). Now, if they could only not force their fans to drive an hour across Los Angeles to watch the games, that’d be great.
20. TCU Horned Frogs — “I Can’t Get No (Satisfaction)” by The Rolling Stones
Head coach Gary Patterson is the winningest coach in school history, has been to two BCS bowls, won the Rose Bowl, and had an undefeated season. But then the Frogs joined a major conference, and the fun was over; a 7-6 season was all they were good for. Maybe Gary can get it going again, but it’s going to be an uphill battle.
19. Boise State Broncos — “Go Away Getaway” by Mark Cherry
While the new season of Arrested Development may not have lived up to expectations, it at least gave us an awesomely-bad, Bieber-esque pop song in Mark Cherry’s “Go Away Getaway.” Aren’t we just sick of this team already? We get it. You have a blue field. You play in a crappy conference that allows you to go undefeated every year. Now go away! And no, this is not coming from a bitterness over the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. Well, maybe. Okay, yes.
18. Nebraska Cornhuskers — “Glory Days” by Bruce Springsteen
Remember when Nebraska went 60-3 and won 3 national championships from 1993-1997? So do their fans.
17. Michigan Wolverines — “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who
I never bought into the Denard Robinson hype. I saw an unbelievable athlete who made some extremely lucky throws against bad defenses. By the end of his tenure, the Wolverine fan base had given up on him, as well. With Devin Gardner stepping in behind center, the Blue and Gold should have a more-realistic expectation of who their signal caller is.
16. Oklahoma Sooners — “Don’t Come Around Here No More” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
The song title is what the Top 5 poll spots must be saying to my beloved team, but the lyrics sum up my personal feelings about coach Bob Stoops quite nicely: “I’ve given up. I’ve given up on waiting any longer. Don’t come around here no more.” Sadly, Stoops just signed an extension through 2020 and built a replica of Buckingham Palace as his home in Norman. Here’s to another seven years of mediocre seasons, Sooner fans.
15. Texas Longhorns — “I Ain’t As Good As I Once Was” by Toby Keith
My buddies down in Austin have been in a bit of a slump since Colt McCoy choked, er I mean, hurt his shoulder in the 2010 BCS National Championship Game, and it seems that the fans are starting to accept their fate. Something happened on that fateful night that Texas has not been able to recover from, and I don’t think Coach Brown is the one to fix it. But of course, I’m not going to complain. Have at ’em, Mack!
14. Oklahoma State Cowboys — “How Do You Like Me Now?!” by Toby Keith
Woah, two Toby Keith songs in a row? I must have bad taste in music. But anyway, this is most definitely what Cowboys are saying now that they’ve earned the respect to be ranked above both Oklahoma and Texas in the preseason polls. In fact, I think we have footage of head coach Mike Gundy celebrating with the team upon hearing the news:
13. LSU Tigers — “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne
We all know that Les Miles is insane, that’s nothing new. Throughout his coaching career, he’s skirted by with an unbelievable amount of luck. He would call trick plays, go for it on fourth down, and attempt onside kicks, all at entirely inappropriate times–and they would almost always work! However, you can’t help but wonder if things aren’t starting to change after his Tigers lost their bowl game to a team from the ACC, something no self-respecting SEC powerhouse would ever do. Hear that noise coming from the Bayou, sounds like someone screaming “I’m going off the rails.”