**Mooned by Monday is a recap of news stories from last week that may have missed mainstream coverage.**
Bieber Puts Fan’s iPhone Down Pants; Accidentally Takes Picture; Scientists Confused
Justin Bieber’s desperate attempt to portray himself as a bad boy may or may not have taken a hit this past week. During a performance in New Jersey, the Biebs dropped a fan’s iPhone down the front of his pants. Upon removing, the “artist” tossed it back into the crowd. Unbeknownst to Justin, the phone had taken a picture, and the photo — which is now virally making its way around the Internet — has left scientists stunned. “We’re not sure what to make of this revelation,” said humanologist Brian Careds. “We’re not even sure what that is. And quite frankly, we’re not sure if we even want to know. To be honest, I think I’m done with this business.” Elsewhere, Steve Jobs reportedly rolled over in his grave. More details to come.
Tiger Woods Wins WGC Bridgestone Invitational; Celebrates With Apple Juice
After a solid performance at this weekend’s Bridgestone Invitational, Woods basked in his glory by sucking down a six pack of Juicy Juice apple juice boxes. “Ahhh,” said a relieved Woods, “just like old times.” This is Woods wildest celebration in years, and the golf world is praying that this minor slip up doesn’t lead to a repeat of past poor behavior. “We love Tiger, we really do,” said a guy who-watches-minor-golf-tournaments-and-should-really-find-some-better-way-to-spend-his-time, “but after what we’ve all been through, I just hope he remembers how far he has come.” Later on, Woods was seen dining at a T.G.I. Fridays; his agents have yet to return are calls of inquiry on this latest development.
That Lady At Starbucks Still Hasn’t Ordered Her Damn Drink
After countless hours of standing at the counter, that lady still has yet to decide what to drink at Starbucks. “Holy hell, she keeps saying ‘Do I want green tea? Or do I want a cappuccino? I don’t know what I’m in the mood for.’ It’s terrible,” stated the man directly behind her in line. “I’m just trying to get some coffee before work, and I’ve got to put up with this. I mean, where are we? North Korea?” Starbucks employees say that while this disease of indecisiveness is rare, the one affected is generally oblivious to its happening; only those around them are left to be tortured by its cruel symptoms. Baristas believe they may have found a cure, however, Starbucks refuses to share its secrets due to risk of theft by competitors.