Wrapping up last week’s post–Musical Equivalents of College Football’s Top Teams–we move on to the top 12.
12. Florida State – “It’s Now or Never” by Elvis Presley
Jimbo Fisher is now in his 3rd year as head coach of the Seminoles, and it’s time to put up or shut up with his “elite program” talk. Several big-name coaches played for or won titles in their first few seasons:
Saban (The Master)
Miles (Maybe a bit lucky, but still)
Stoops (Can’t even talk about it; makes me want to puke)
Meyer (Two in his first four years)
Kelly (Got his ass kicked, but took a dormant program to the big game)
Chizik (Fired two years later, crippled the program, but still won)
Fisher has also had top-rated recruiting classes for several years. No more excuses. Time to win, or he’s just another bum.
11. Notre Dame – “The Macarena” by Los del Río
The one program that will forever be a part of our pop culture, no matter how annoying it may be.
10. Florida – “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter
It’s been a rough year for the Gators. Lose the Sugar Bowl to a team from the Big East, still bitter about Urban Meyer leaving, and their prized NFL players have been in the news for all the wrong reasons: Aaron Hernandez is an alleged murderer, Riley Cooper is a confirmed racist, and Tim Tebow is Tim Tebow. Can it get any worse?
9. Louisville – “Good Life” by Kanye West ft. T-Pain
Louisville made a statement in last season’s Sugar Bowl by stomping Florida. Now, they get to play in the worst football conference in the country—The American Atheletic Conference (formerly Big East)—and have no clear threat to prevent them from appearing in another BCS bowl game.
8. Clemson – “My Moment” by Rebecca Black
For the last several seasons, Clemson has been proclaiming, “This is our year.” Isn’t that adorable?
7. South Carolina – “Mama Said Knock You Out” by LL Cool J
Not much here, I just wanted a good excuse to watch this Jadeveon Clowney hit one more time:
6. Texas A&M – “Swimming Pools (Drank)” by Kendrick Lamar
Johnny Manziel is doing everything he can to drink, tweet, and piss away the entire Texas A&M season. At some point, you’d think his conscience would kick in and try to save him — and his team — from this destructive behavior. But screw it: Bottoms up, Johnny!
5. Georgia – “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister
No matter what Georgia does, they can’t seem to break into the top tier teams in the country. Hell, they were two feet away from the national championship game last year, and still no one took them seriously. No they’re fed up, and feel a change is about to come.
4. Stanford – “One of these things is not like the other one” from Sesame Street
Why is Stanford consistently such a good football program? People go there to learn how to treat concussions, not receive them.
3. Oregon – “Kyoto” by Skrillex ft. Sirah
This is simply the only song that can compare to the Oregon Ducks. It features amazing speed and creates sounds that you’ve never even heard before. And just like Oregon’s masterful spread offense, it’s done so beautifully and powerfully that you can’t help but want more each time you see/hear it.
2. Ohio State – “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” by Puff Daddy
Under new NCAA sanctions and banned from postseason play, Urban Meyer and the Buckeyes flipped the bird to the world and ran off an undefeated season last year. No one wants to like Meyer, but damn it, the guy knows how to coach.
1. Alabama – “F.U.T.W.” by Jay Z
Three titles in four years. Favored to win another this year. The stats on Alabama right now are truly disgusting. But Coach Nick Saban doesn’t want to talk about it. As Jay Z says, “Just let me be great.”