**Mooned by Monday is a recap of news stories from last week that may have missed mainstream coverage.**
Edward Snowden Willing to Turn Self In for New Headshot
In a statement released this week, Edward Snowden has requested that he be allowed to take professional headshots, paid for by the United States government, in exchange for his surrender to federal authorities. “This entire plight is meaningless if my legacy is tarnished by the awful picture of myself that continues to make its way through the media. That one was taken on a rough day, and they didn’t even get my good side.” Snowden came to this decision after it was brought to his attention his famous photo’s similarity to popular Internet meme Scumbag Steve. Representatives for Scumbag Steve did not return our message.
Jeff Bezos Purchases Copious Amounts of Poor-Man’s Packing Material
In an effort to save costs for his Amazon empire, CEO Jeff Bezos invested $250 million in cheap packing material, with the full intention of using them to package orders purchased from his online store. “As the Internet continues to grow, our business grows with it. To keep up with the shipping demands, I felt it was best to secure a cheaper alternative to bubble wrap and air pillows.” Bezos isn’t the only one satisfied with his new toys. Bezos mother, Jaclyn, tells us that for several years now, she’s been mailing Jeff his birthday presents using this same black and white substance. “As the ol’ saying goes, mother knows best.”
Tebow Goes 4 – 12; Celebratory Riots Reported in Gainesville
The New England Patriots won their preseason game against the Philadelphia Eagles 31-22, but nobody cares about the damn score, how the hell did Tim Tebow do? Tebow, seeing extended action in the second half, completed 4 of 12 passes (33% for you math wizards out there). Immediately upon receiving news of this football supremacy, residents of Gainesville, FL–home of Tebow’s alma mater–took to the streets to celebrate Tim’s accomplishment by burning dumpsters, breaking into cars, and all sorts of other fun activities. “I’m planning on ordering a diamond-encrusted ring to remember this moment forever. Tebow is going to win the World Series,” said a man wearing cutoff jean shorts and no shirt.