**Mooned by Monday is a recap of news stories from last week that may have missed mainstream coverage.**
Congress Has Trouble Locating Egypt On Map
With the tensions in Egypt running high, members of the United States Congress wanted to figure out the best course of action. However, due to reasons beyond their control, the legislative branch had difficulty determining which squiggly-looking recatangular-maybe-a-triangle thing was actually Egypt. Acting quickly–as they always do–a subcommittee was formed with the intention of discovering a new map that would better be fit for the IQ levels of the members. “We’ve looking at some various options,” said Speaker John Boehner, “but unfortunately, there is always a lot of bureaucracy that goes into these things. We hope to have located the country by the end of 2014.”
Ryan Dempster To Be Elected President Of MLB Players Association
The crowd cheered, Twitter exploded, and now Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster is well on his way to becoming MLB Players Association President. After throwing pitch after pitch directly at Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez, Dempster finally connected with one. The response has been a bit overwhelming, as players from around the league are already planning on voting him President, whether he likes it or not. “Baseball has been waiting for a hero like this to come around,” said teammate David Ortiz. We reached out to Rodriguez for comment, but he was crying in the shower, wiping his tears away with $100 bills.