Bad Advice from Steve Jobs

**Mooned by Monday is a recap of news stories from last week that may have missed mainstream coverage.**

Ballmer Leaves Microsoft; Swears He Took Drugs

In a move that’s about six years too late, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer is leaving the company.  While it’s not been announced whether Ballmer is resigning on his own accord or has been forced out, the lack of positive production during his tenure cannot be ignored.  However, Ballmer swears that he took extreme measures in attempting to create innovative products.  “That Steve Jobs was full of shit,” the lame-duck executive proclaimed in a statement.  “‘Drop acid,’ he said. ‘It will open your mind,’ he said.  You know what happened when I took hallucinogenics?  Vista, that’s what happened.  Had to create the Zune just to get the bad taste out of my mouth.  Thanks a lot, Steve.”  Elsewhere, Apple CEO Tim Cook added a new room onto his home, to have a place where he can store various stacks of money when the new iPhone is released in about a month’s time.

New York Jets QBs Now Just Screwing With Us

Geno Smith threw three interceptions in the first half, Mark Sanchez injuries his shoulder in the 4th quarter (on a play that Coach Rex Ryan ironically dubbed Sanchez’s best of the preseason, no less), and now it has to be obvious to everyone that the New York Jets are just playing a huge prank on the American football-watching public.  “It’s hard to fathom any other scenario,” said an NFL analyst who wishes to remain anonymous out of fear of Rex Ryan coming to massage his feet.  “There’s no way that an NFL team could invest multiple millions of dollars into these players, only to produce two straight seasons of this under center.  Something is fishy in East Rutherford, and it’s not just Rex’s tattoos.”

After 10 Years Of Employment, Man Still Doesn’t Understand 401k

Despite witnessing portions of his paycheck being taken out for no apparent reason, a veteran of a mid-size company admits he has no idea what a 401k is.  “I’m told that I’ll get this money back someday, but who the hell really knows?  You know what I do know, though?  I’d like to have a new TV, that’s what I know.”  After his yearly, two-hour session explaining the in’s and out’s of the defined contribution pension plan, the man responded “So it’s called 401k because you’re going to give me $401,000, right?”  He was then offered him some complimentary cupcakes–which he readily accepted–and was thanked him for his time.


Congressional Lessons in Geography

**Mooned by Monday is a recap of news stories from last week that may have missed mainstream coverage.**

Congress Has Trouble Locating Egypt On Map

With the tensions in Egypt running high, members of the United States Congress wanted to figure out the best course of action.  However, due to reasons beyond their control, the legislative branch had difficulty determining which squiggly-looking recatangular-maybe-a-triangle thing was actually Egypt.  Acting quickly–as they always do–a subcommittee was formed with the intention of discovering a new map that would better be fit for the IQ levels of the members.  “We’ve looking at some various options,” said Speaker John Boehner, “but unfortunately, there is always a lot of bureaucracy that goes into these things.  We hope to have located the country by the end of 2014.”

Ryan Dempster To Be Elected President Of MLB Players Association

The crowd cheered, Twitter exploded, and now Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster is well on his way to becoming MLB Players Association President.  After throwing pitch after pitch directly at Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez, Dempster finally connected with one.  The response has been a bit overwhelming, as players from around the league are already planning on voting him President, whether he likes it or not.  “Baseball has been waiting for a hero like this to come around,” said teammate David Ortiz.  We reached out to Rodriguez for comment, but he was crying in the shower, wiping his tears away with $100 bills.

Mooned by Monday: August 12, 2013

**Mooned by Monday is a recap of news stories from last week that may have missed mainstream coverage.**

Edward Snowden Willing to Turn Self In for New Headshot

In a statement released this week, Edward Snowden has requested that he be allowed to take professional headshots, paid for by the United States government, in exchange for his surrender to federal authorities.  “This entire plight is meaningless if my legacy is tarnished by the awful picture of myself that continues to make its way through the media.  That one was taken on a rough day, and they didn’t even get my good side.”  Snowden came to this decision after it was brought to his attention his famous photo’s similarity to popular Internet meme Scumbag Steve.  Representatives for Scumbag Steve did not return our message.

Scumbag Snowden

Jeff Bezos Purchases Copious Amounts of Poor-Man’s Packing Material

In an effort to save costs for his Amazon empire, CEO Jeff Bezos invested $250 million in cheap packing material, with the full intention of using them to package orders purchased from his online store.  “As the Internet continues to grow, our business grows with it.  To keep up with the shipping demands, I felt it was best to secure a cheaper alternative to bubble wrap and air pillows.”  Bezos isn’t the only one satisfied with his new toys.  Bezos mother, Jaclyn, tells us that for several years now, she’s been mailing Jeff his birthday presents using this same black and white substance.  “As the ol’ saying goes, mother knows best.”

Tebow Goes 4 – 12; Celebratory Riots Reported in Gainesville

The New England Patriots won their preseason game against the Philadelphia Eagles 31-22, but nobody cares about the damn score, how the hell did Tim Tebow do?  Tebow, seeing extended action in the second half, completed 4 of 12 passes (33% for you math wizards out there).  Immediately upon receiving news of this football supremacy, residents of Gainesville, FL–home of Tebow’s alma mater–took to the streets to celebrate Tim’s accomplishment by burning dumpsters, breaking into cars, and all sorts of other fun activities.  “I’m planning on ordering a diamond-encrusted ring to remember this moment forever.  Tebow is going to win the World Series,” said a man wearing cutoff jean shorts and no shirt.

Mooned by Monday: August 5, 2013

**Mooned by Monday is a recap of news stories from last week that may have missed mainstream coverage.**

Bieber Puts Fan’s iPhone Down Pants; Accidentally Takes Picture; Scientists Confused

Justin Bieber’s desperate attempt to portray himself as a bad boy may or may not have taken a hit this past week.  During a performance in New Jersey, the Biebs dropped a fan’s iPhone down the front of his pants.  Upon removing, the “artist” tossed it back into the crowd.  Unbeknownst to Justin, the phone had taken a picture, and the photo — which is now virally making its way around the Internet — has left scientists stunned.  “We’re not sure what to make of this revelation,” said humanologist Brian Careds.  “We’re not even sure what that is.  And quite frankly, we’re not sure if we even want to know.  To be honest, I think I’m done with this business.”  Elsewhere, Steve Jobs reportedly rolled over in his grave.  More details to come.

Tiger Woods Wins WGC Bridgestone Invitational; Celebrates With Apple Juice

After a solid performance at this weekend’s Bridgestone Invitational, Woods basked in his glory by sucking down a six pack of Juicy Juice apple juice boxes.  “Ahhh,” said a relieved Woods, “just like old times.”  This is Woods wildest celebration in years, and the golf world is praying that this minor slip up doesn’t lead to a repeat of past poor behavior.  “We love Tiger, we really do,” said a guy who-watches-minor-golf-tournaments-and-should-really-find-some-better-way-to-spend-his-time, “but after what we’ve all been through, I just hope he remembers how far he has come.”  Later on, Woods was seen dining at a T.G.I. Fridays; his agents have yet to return are calls of inquiry on this latest development.

That Lady At Starbucks Still Hasn’t Ordered Her Damn Drink

After countless hours of standing at the counter, that lady still has yet to decide what to drink at Starbucks.  “Holy hell, she keeps saying ‘Do I want green tea? Or do I want a cappuccino? I don’t know what I’m in the mood for.’  It’s terrible,” stated the man directly behind her in line.  “I’m just trying to get some coffee before work, and I’ve got to put up with this.  I mean, where are we? North Korea?”  Starbucks employees say that while this disease of indecisiveness is rare, the one affected is generally oblivious to its happening; only those around them are left to be tortured by its cruel symptoms.  Baristas believe they may have found a cure, however, Starbucks refuses to share its secrets due to risk of theft by competitors.

Mooned by Monday: July 29, 2013

**Mooned by Monday is a recap of news stories from last week that may have missed mainstream coverage.**

Carlos Danger considering legal action against Rep. Weiner; claims emotional distress

While previously living his life in relative anonymity, Carlos Danger says with the new revelations in the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal, his life has taken a toll for the worse.  “You know, before the whole Weiner deal, I really lived a great life.  Now, I can’t take two steps out my front door without someone shouting, ‘Hey Carlos, show me your [expletive]!’  Even when I’m with my kids.  It’s awful.”  Danger says that he may consider legal action, and if possible, find other Carlos Dangers of America and file a class-action suit against the NYC mayoral candidate.  Emotional distress and loss of income are the core complaints of his filing.  “Party’s over, man.  And I just feel that someone should have to pay.”  However, Mr. Danger is able to keep things in perspective.  “Still not as bad as my buddy Ron Mexico.  Been more than seven years and that guy still can’t get any chicks.”

Los Angeles resident thinks he saw the Jay Z/Justin Timberlake concert; can’t confirm

The Legends of Summer Tour, featuring Jay Z and Justin Timberlake, was in full force on Sunday night, and one Los Angeles resident believes he may have actually seen it. With the concert taking place at the Rose Bowl–famous for football games and unholy traffic, even by L.A. standards–Ryan Shitforeyes purchased his tickets from a local vendor.  “I was excited to see these two popular artists perform, but I’m not sure if I actually did.”  With his seats at the top of Section 11, furthest away from the stage, Shitforeyes says he saw people walking around on stage, but the performers could have been anyone.  “There’s a lot of actors in this town that need jobs, so they easily could have paid some kids a couple hundred bucks to be out there and I wouldn’t have known the difference.”  Despite the lack of confirmed superstars, Shitforeyes says he had a great time. However, as of publishing this article, he is still sitting in traffic.

A-Rod hopes to play, but does enjoy “extra time for masturbation.”

Yankees’ 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez still has not been cleared to play after undergoing surgery in the offseason and then suffering from a strained quad, but Rodriguez has found some positives in his road to recovery.  “While I’d love to be out there with my teammates, I’m quite happy to be able to spend more quality time with the one I love most.”  A-Rod went on to describe how his masturbation frequency–generally accompanied by mirrors and a portrait of himself in centaur form–has skyrocketed during his stint on the bench.  “With all the practices, games, and groupie sex parties that come with being a professional athlete, it’s easy to not pay proper attention to those who matter most.  I’m realizing that even after 38 years of life, I’m still just as in love with my beautiful self as I was on day one.”  In a later interview, Rodriguez did mention that if the Yankees don’t clear him to play soon, he’s planning on purchasing the organization, “with the money they gave me.”