Musical Equivalents of College Football’s Top Teams: Part II

Wrapping up last week’s post–Musical Equivalents of College Football’s Top Teams–we move on to the top 12.

12.  Florida State – “It’s Now or Never” by Elvis Presley

Jimbo Fisher is now in his 3rd year as head coach of the Seminoles, and it’s time to put up or shut up with his “elite program” talk. Several big-name coaches played for or won titles in their first few seasons:

Saban (The Master)
Miles (Maybe a bit lucky, but still)
Stoops (Can’t even talk about it; makes me want to puke)
Meyer (Two in his first four years)
Kelly (Got his ass kicked, but took a dormant program to the big game)
Chizik (Fired two years later, crippled the program, but still won)

Fisher has also had top-rated recruiting classes for several years.  No more excuses.  Time to win, or he’s just another bum.

11.  Notre Dame – “The Macarena” by Los del Río

The one program that will forever be a part of our pop culture, no matter how annoying it may be.

10.  Florida – “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter

It’s been a rough year for the Gators.  Lose the Sugar Bowl to a team from the Big East, still bitter about Urban Meyer leaving, and their prized NFL players have been in the news for all the wrong reasons:  Aaron Hernandez is an alleged murderer, Riley Cooper is a confirmed racist, and Tim Tebow is Tim Tebow.  Can it get any worse?

9.  Louisville – “Good Life” by Kanye West ft. T-Pain

Louisville made a statement in last season’s Sugar Bowl by stomping Florida.  Now, they get to play in the worst football conference in the country—The American Atheletic Conference (formerly Big East)—and have no clear threat to prevent them from appearing in another BCS bowl game.

8.  Clemson – “My Moment” by Rebecca Black

For the last several seasons, Clemson has been proclaiming, “This is our year.” Isn’t that adorable?

7.  South Carolina – “Mama Said Knock You Out” by LL Cool J

Not much here, I just wanted a good excuse to watch this Jadeveon Clowney hit one more time:

6.  Texas A&M – “Swimming Pools (Drank)” by Kendrick Lamar

Johnny Manziel is doing everything he can to drink, tweet, and piss away the entire Texas A&M season. At some point, you’d think his conscience would kick in and try to save him — and his team — from this destructive behavior.  But screw it:  Bottoms up, Johnny!

5.  Georgia – “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister

No matter what Georgia does, they can’t seem to break into the top tier teams in the country. Hell, they were two feet away from the national championship game last year, and still no one took them seriously. No they’re fed up, and feel a change is about to come.

4.  Stanford – “One of these things is not like the other one” from Sesame Street

Why is Stanford consistently such a good football program? People go there to learn how to treat concussions, not receive them.

3.  Oregon – “Kyoto” by Skrillex ft. Sirah

This is simply the only song that can compare to the Oregon Ducks. It features amazing speed and creates sounds that you’ve never even heard before. And just like Oregon’s masterful spread offense, it’s done so beautifully and powerfully that you can’t help but want more each time you see/hear it.

2.  Ohio State – “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” by Puff Daddy

Under new NCAA sanctions and banned from postseason play, Urban Meyer and the Buckeyes flipped the bird to the world and ran off an undefeated season last year.  No one wants to like Meyer, but damn it, the guy knows how to coach.

1.  Alabama – “F.U.T.W.” by Jay Z

Three titles in four years. Favored to win another this year. The stats on Alabama right now are truly disgusting. But Coach Nick Saban doesn’t want to talk about it. As Jay Z says, “Just let me be great.”


Musical Equivalents of College Football’s Top Teams

This time last year, I did a piece entitled College Football’s Hollywood Counterparts, where I compared teams in the AP Preseason Top 25 to a respective actor.   This year, I’m examining the teams of the Coaches Poll and how they correspond to some of the greatest–and some not so great–songs of all time.

25.  Oregon State Beavers — Andy Griffith Theme Song

A college friend of mine once said that you could defuse any awkward situation by saying, “Hey look, The Andy Griffith Show is on,” and then proceed to sing the theme song.  The truth is that Oregon State does absolutely nothing for me, and I honestly don’t know anything about their team.  Hey, look, The Andy Griffith Show is on!  Do doo doo.  Do doo doo do.  Do doo doo do.

24.  USC Trojans — “The Heat is On” by Glenn Frey

Head coach Lane Kiffin did a masterful job last year of taking the #1 ranked team in the country and producing a 7-6 record.  Some have been questioning Kiffin’s coaching ability since the beginning, and many more are beginning to wonder since he now boasts a 32-34 overall record as a head coach (both NFL and college).  Lucky Lane still has his hot wife and $4 million salary, but if he doesn’t produce this year, he may be forced to con another team into hiring him.

23.  Wisconsin Badgers — “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion

This whacky bunch from up north has played in three consecutive Rose Bowls.  Granted, they lost all three, but it’s still quite the accomplishment.  But they were heart broken when head coach Bret Bielema bolted off to Arkansas.  The Badgers loved Bielema, but they have no choice other than move forward with the next guy, whatever his name may be.

22.  Northwestern Wildcats — “High School Never Ends” by Bowling for Soup

When Pat Fitzgerald was hired in 2006 ,  he became the youngest head coach in Division 1-A at the age of 31.  And let’s be real, he hasn’t aged a bit since then.  Dude looks like he should be applying to colleges, not coaching at them.

21.  UCLA Bruins — “Changes” by David Bowie

My oh my, did the Bruins figure something out.  For years, they were the whipping boy of not only crosstown rival USC, but the Pac 12 as a whole.  Jim Mora changed all of that, and UCLA appears to be on their way to ruling the South Division (much thanks to USC for sticking with Lane Kiffin for, at least, one more year).  Now, if they could only not force their fans to drive an hour across Los Angeles to watch the games, that’d be great.

20.  TCU Horned Frogs — “I Can’t Get No (Satisfaction)” by The Rolling Stones

Head coach Gary Patterson is the winningest coach in school history, has been to two BCS bowls, won the Rose Bowl, and had an undefeated season.  But then the Frogs joined a major conference, and the fun was over; a 7-6 season was all they were good for.  Maybe Gary can get it going again, but it’s going to be an uphill battle.

19.  Boise State Broncos — “Go Away Getaway” by Mark Cherry

While the new season of Arrested Development may not have lived up to expectations, it at least gave us an awesomely-bad, Bieber-esque pop song in Mark Cherry’s “Go Away Getaway.”  Aren’t we just sick of this team already?  We get it.  You have a blue field.  You play in a crappy conference that allows you to go undefeated every year.  Now go away!  And no, this is not coming from a bitterness over the 2007 Fiesta Bowl.  Well, maybe.  Okay, yes.

18.  Nebraska Cornhuskers — “Glory Days” by Bruce Springsteen

Remember when Nebraska went 60-3 and won 3 national championships from 1993-1997?  So do their fans.

17.  Michigan Wolverines — “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who

I never bought into the Denard Robinson hype.  I saw an unbelievable athlete who made some extremely lucky throws against bad defenses.  By the end of his tenure, the Wolverine fan base had given up on him, as well.  With Devin Gardner stepping in behind center, the Blue and Gold should have a more-realistic expectation of who their signal caller is.

16.  Oklahoma Sooners — “Don’t Come Around Here No More” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

The song title is what the Top 5 poll spots must be saying to my beloved team, but the lyrics sum up my personal feelings about coach Bob Stoops quite nicely:  “I’ve given up.  I’ve given up on waiting any longer.  Don’t come around here no more.”  Sadly, Stoops just signed an extension through 2020 and built a replica of Buckingham Palace as his home in Norman.  Here’s to another seven years of mediocre seasons, Sooner fans.

15.  Texas Longhorns — “I Ain’t As Good As I Once Was” by Toby Keith

My buddies down in Austin have been in a bit of a slump since Colt McCoy choked, er I mean, hurt his shoulder in the 2010 BCS National Championship Game, and it seems that the fans are starting to accept their fate.  Something happened on that fateful night that Texas has not been able to recover from, and I don’t think Coach Brown is the one to fix it.  But of course, I’m not going to complain. Have at ’em, Mack!

14.  Oklahoma State Cowboys — “How Do You Like Me Now?!” by Toby Keith

Woah, two Toby Keith songs in a row?  I must have bad taste in music.  But anyway, this is most definitely what Cowboys are saying now that they’ve earned the respect to be ranked above both Oklahoma and Texas in the preseason polls.  In fact, I think we have footage of head coach Mike Gundy celebrating with the team upon hearing the news:

Teach Me How to Gundy

13.  LSU Tigers — “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne

We all know that Les Miles is insane, that’s nothing new.  Throughout his coaching career, he’s skirted by with an unbelievable amount of luck.  He would call trick plays, go for it on fourth down, and attempt onside kicks, all at entirely inappropriate times–and they would almost always work!  However, you can’t help but wonder if things aren’t starting to change after his Tigers lost their bowl game to a team from the ACC, something no self-respecting SEC powerhouse would ever do.  Hear that noise coming from the Bayou, sounds like someone screaming “I’m going off the rails.”

Click here to read Part II.

The Madness Behind March Madness

March Madness is a great American tradition.  In particular, the first weekend–with the endless barage of games–has become a cultural staple.  Now with the explosion of the internet and the CBS/Turner Sports deal, you can watch any game of your choosing, where ever you may be—even if you’re at work (This allows you to really hone in on your “Hide Window” keyboard shortcut skills).  I just absolutely love this time of year.  Having said that, I feel there are a few issues I need to bring to the attention of the powers that be (whoever that is).

First of all, what is with this business of calling the 1st Round the 2nd Round?  You may not have even noticed, but what was called once called the Opening Round—or play-in games—is now the 1st Round, thus making the teams that anyone cares about start in the 2nd Round.  The announcers and commentators can’t even refer to the rounds correctly.  I feel like I’m in the middle of some modern-day Abbott and Costello skit.  This whole thing makes no sense and just adds to confusion and anger, but I guess that’s what the Illuminati is going for, so congrats!

It’s always amazed me how people seem to think there is an exact science to picking how the bracket will play out.  Consider this:  after the first day of 1st Round … excuse me, 2nd Round play, out of ESPN’s millions of user brackets, there was exactly one perfect bracket–which was quickly destroyed by the Georgetown upset (more on this later).  Folks love to take to Facebook and brag about how they picked Harvard over New Mexico, but fail to mention how it was the only upset they got correct out of 7 different picks.  But please, pound that chest, bro.  Pound that chest with pride.  With the nature of college sports, you’ve essentially won the equivalent of a coin toss.

And finally, when it comes to picking brackets, often times people let their picks effect their perception of what sports–in particular, the NCAA Basketball Tournament–is really about:  the underdog.  When Georgetown was getting closer and closer to losing to Florida Gulf Coast, Twitter was blowing up with insane amounts of rage.  “If Georgetown loses, I’m going to kick my TV out the window.  #bracketbusted.”  “i sware, if dey lose 2 FGCU (who da hell is dat?), ima boycott everyting wit da name George #realtalk.”  Who are these heartless people?  A 15-seed winning is a great experience to witness, and you’re worried that you can’t boast to your buddies about your Final Four pick?  Especially with a team like FGCU–which plays the most exciting type of basketball a college team can–it takes a lot of stupidity to be upset about their upset.

But despite these complaints, I do love this time of year.

Rodman to the Rescue: How The Worm Saved The World

Over the weekend, I saw the headline “Dennis Rodman has chat with Kim Jong Un.”  Of course, my immediate thought was, “Wow, this Onion article is taking off a bit more than usual.”  But I soon learned that this wasn’t a joke, but that in fact Rodman had visited North Korea and spoke with the Supreme Leader.  Keep in mind that the most recent, highly recognized person to visit the mysterious country was President Bill Clinton; something tells me we may have skipped a few steps on the scale of diplomatic hierarchy.  But what the hell?  Let’s see what The Worm has to say.

According to reports (that I briefly skimmed over and don’t really know the full details of), Kim told Dennis that he loves basketball, to which Dennis responded that President Obama loves basketball, and that’s a good starting point for talks.  In the end, Dennis says that Kim simply wants Obama to call him.  That’s it… Wait, that’s it?!  The leader of one of the most oppressive countries in the world that is a constant threat of nuclear war just wants to talk sports over the phone?  Whoda thunkit?  Basketball + Telecommunications = Peace.  Think of the bloodshed that could have been spared if only Naismith and Bell were born 200,000 years earlier.

But seriously, of all people, it’s Dennis Rodman who can get North Korea to say, “Hey, maybe we don’t have to destroy each other.”  Dennis Rodman—a member of the original Bad Boy Detroit Pistons whose outrageous lifestyle was well documented and who set NBA records for technical fouls only to blow all his money and appear on Celebrity Rehab for his alcoholism—has reemerged as a peacemaker.

Of course, this all could be just one big pile of bullshit.  As the cliché goes, “Consider the source.”  Rodman’s reputation doesn’t lend well to his case.  And yes, it’s tough to trust a country that once said their leader shot 11 hole-in-ones during a single round of golf.  But isn’t there a little voice inside of you that wants to believe?  Especially when it’s in regards to a place as bizarre as North Korea.

The culture and politics of North Korea fascinate me.  Any documentaries, articles, Reddit forums, etc. that I’ve read on the subject have still left me baffled as to what is their main objective.  World domination?  Nuclear power?  Free pizza?  Their motives are vague, so any guess is a good as another.  For whatever reason, they continue on, even if the entire planet is aware of their atrocious human rights policy.  No one has cracked their code yet, but perhaps that’s beginning to change.

When people think of peacemakers, they will recall names such as Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and Martin Luther King, Jr.  He’s only starting out, but maybe one day The Worm will be on that list.  I never thought I’d say, “Let’s follow the lead of the heavily pierced man with green and pink hair wearing a wedding dress.”  But if he gets us there, you’ll hear no complaints from my end.

My Clippers Hat From Hell

During the early years of the 2000s, I developed a heavy dose of superstition surrounding my hometown University of Oklahoma Sooners football team. This included sitting in a particular spot on the couch, only eating certain foods during the game, and even went so far as having to hold my thumb and middle finger together the entire time we were on offense. And you should know that I fully believed I was playing a vital role in the team’s success.

I look back at these times and think, “My god, I was an idiot.” Bud Light ran an ad campaign this past NFL season focusing on the superstitions fans may hold. And every time the commercial would air, I would think, “My god, these people are idiots.”

So as I’ve matured, I’ve let the superstitious me reside in the past. In fact, I’ve pretty much moved on from being a die-hard Sooner fan in general (partially thanks to Bob Stoops’s arrogance, but that’s a whole other blog post). I’ve learned that basketball is my true passion and I haven’t looked back.

But unfortunately, my ideas about a divine connection between fans and the team they love are beginning to resurface. Only this time, I’m afraid my actions have only jinxed my team.

Since moving to Los Angeles, I’ve become a Clippers fan. The star player Blake Griffin went to Oklahoma, and I’ve always been a de facto Lakers hater, so it was a natural fit. After a sluggish first season, we signed megastar Chris Paul, and the Clippers have been on the rise ever since.

The beginning of this season couldn’t have been better. Best record in the league, Lakers playing like absolute shit, and even Magic Johnson was saying the Clippers are the new Showtime—the nickname given to his Lakers teams in the 80s. I loved being a Clippers fan. My girlfriend was so pumped up about the season that she demanded we go buy hats to show our pride for the basketball team that now runs L.A. I’m not really a hat guy, so I was a little hesitant, but again, she demanded, so I went out and got a hat.

Literally, the day after I purchased this hat, Chris Paul is sidelined with a bruised knee. After that, the Clips go on to lose 7 out of 10 games, Blake Griffin is now out with an injured hamstring, and we just lost to the Washington Wizards—who are, for lack of a better phrase, the worst team in the whole damn league.

Meanwhile, the Lakers have figured out how to play basketball again, have gone on to win 7 out of 10 games, and Kobe continues to cement himself as one of the greatest of all time. Talk about a quick change of events.

So, Clipper Nation, while my girlfriend refuses to admit that our purchasing of the ball caps had anything to do with this recent collapse, I feel it is only appropriate for me to apologize. If I could take it back, I absolutely would, but sadly, they don’t allow returns on cursed paraphernalia.

The saddest part of this tale? I don’t even look that great in a hat. I can only hope that, in a few weeks, I will again believe that superstitions are for idiots.

Five Things I Learned While Watching the Super Bowl

On Sunday, our nation’s favorite-yet-potentially-dangerous sport concluded its season with the Baltimore Ravens defeating the San Francisco 49ers 34-31 in Super Bowl XLVII. Before we begin the long countdown to next year’s gladiatorial gridiron festivities, let’s reflect on what we learned during those five (maybe six?) hours on Sunday night.

1. CBS Is Desperately Insecure

CBS felt it necessary to remind us, at least once every fifteen minutes, that it is the most watched network on television. Their tactics involved using actors from their various series—at least, I’m guessing that’s who those people are. Outside of Craig Ferguson, I’ve never watched a full episode of any CBS show. I gave Two and a Half Men a chance; had to shut it off after about six minutes. People rave about The Big Bang Theory (and I’ve given it due credit, as well) but it just didn’t do it for me (How can a show about geniuses be so dumb?). Clearly, the “Les Moonves System for a Top-Rated Network” consists of three elements: laugh track, police procedural, and Jerry Bruckheimer. Throw in at least four servings of each and, ¡voila!, you’ve got the most watched network. I’m not sure where the lack of confidence comes from, but, after Sunday night’s display, it’s safe to say we are fast approaching paranoia.

2. David Spade Still Exists

While watching one of these propaganda bits on CBS ratings, a face from my childhood popped up on screen. And thank heaven for DVRs, because I was forced to rewind it for confirmation. Sure enough, there was David Spade. You may remember Spade as being the sidekick to Chris Farley in two movies during the mid-90s. Other than that, I don’t know what else’s he’s been in. But curiosity got the best of me, so I looked him up on IMDb. I was shocked to see that his show on CBS—entitled Rules of Engagement—has been on the air since 2007. I’d honestly never heard of it until last night. Again, I don’t really watch CBS, so how would I know? Maybe I’m the reason Les was so adamant about the constant reminders.

3. Super Bowl Commercials Are New; Doesn’t Mean They Are Good

I swear, every year—well, at least every year since the explosion of social media—the collective population of the Internet is consistently disappointed with the advertisements that air during timeouts. At this point, people should know to stop putting them on a pedestal. Simply put, the companies main goal is not to impress you with how creative their ad execs are; they only want to further promote their brand. And the truth is, if their commercial sucks and everyone is talking about how terrible the commercial was … well, everyone is still talking about the company. Sure, it’d be nice to garner the most votes in HuffPost’s “Best Ad” poll (the equivalent of a pissing contest between 12-year-olds), but ultimately, just keeping the brand name afloat is the objective.

4. Sore Losers Love To Blame The Refs

Lest we forget, when a team loses a game in any sport, it is never because the other team was better (in fact, 49ers running back Frank Gore went on the record about it). So who do they blame in order make themselves feel better? Of course, it’s the officiating crew. Never mind that on the 4th and Goal pass, there was contact by both players. On that same goal line stand, forget about the horrendous play-calling (Three straight passes? Really?). How about not giving up a 108-yard kickoff return? Or maybe when a receiver makes a diving catch, falling to the ground, and is covered by two defenders, you manage to get a hand on him instead of letting him strut into the end zone. I’m by no-means a football coach or analyst (Side note: To be a professional analyst, is the only prerequisite having had previously watched a football game? Seems to be the case.), but when you’re gifted a momentum-swinging power outage, you have no right to complain.

5. Bar Refaeli Was Paid A Ton Of Money

At least, I hope so.

Manti’s Not Alone: A Brief History of the Nonexistent

With the biggest story in sports of the year breaking last week (as Lance Armstrong screamed out in joyous relief) regarding the identity—or lack thereof—of Manti Te’o’s girlfriend, it is a good opportunity to reflect on others who turned out to be non-existent.  Don’t worry, Manti; you’re not the only one who has been duped.

Adam Morrison

Supposedly, there was once a man who went by this name.  Played basketball for Gonzaga and was drafted by the Charlotte Bobcats in 2006.  He was touted as one of the best players in basketball, and because of his unique skin-tone, he was considered the next “Great White Hope,” the next Larry Bird.  However, soon after he was drafted, it became abundantly clear that this man was nothing more than a fraud.  The prank should have been easily recognized when he collapsed in tears after losing in the NCAA Tournament, but some still bought in to the story. While the general public may have been got, no body fell harder than then-Bobcats general manager Michael Jordan, who selected him with the 3rd overall pick.  Surely, Jordan learned his lesson and said, “Fool me once (Kwame Brown), shame on you.  Fool me twice, I can’t believe I drafted that guy with the creepy mustache.”


After writing one of the catchiest songs of all-time, many people thought this group of Brits was destined for greatness.  However, they instead pulled off a David Copperfield-esque disappearing act, as no one has heard and/or seen them since.  But I’ve come to the conclusion that they never existed to begin with.  “Tubthumping” was obviously just a litmus test by the music industry to see what they could get away with.  Remember, this song was released just before the explosion of the Britneys, the Christinas, and the Biebers.  They wanted to test the waters of how ridiculously bad a song could be and yet still be a top-selling record.  I can see it now:  A bunch of big-bellied, bald men sitting around a boardroom table, throwing out ideas like “How about the name ‘Chumbawamba’? Oh, also we could have a part where a pretty female vocalist sings a line like ‘Pissing the night away,’ and then follow that up by just listing off various drinks.  Brilliant!”  High fives all around, stogies lighting up, bellowing laughter.  It’s so simple, and yet it worked out better than they could’ve imagined.

Star Wars Prequels

Quite often, I am asked the question, “What is your favorite movie?”  My almost-always immediate response is Star Wars.  It’s a little sci-fi film that was released in 1977 and pretty much changed the lives of, well, everyone.  But I’m so often met with a confusing response:  “What do you think of the prequels?”  After all these years, I still don’t know what these people are talking about. A plot surrounding interplanetary trade disputes? Jar Jar Binks?  A herd of Wookies swinging from trees like Tarzan?  Yoda doing triple back flips off of walls while wielding a light saber?  Yeah, nice try, guys.  Like I’m actually going to believe someone thought these sounded like good ideas.

Ed Crane

You don’t know who Ed Crane is?  The suburban barber?  Married to Doris the bookkeeper with a drinking problem who is having an affair with her boss whom Ed subsequently begins to blackmail and everything looks great until it all goes to hell?  Well, I suggest you learn more about Ed by watching the film The Man Who Wasn’t There.  (Alright, alright, I know.  Shameless plug playing off the theme of this post.  But seriously, watch the movie.  It’s an underrated, noir-throwback by the Coen Brothers.  Definitely worthy of your time.)