**Mooned by Monday is a recap of news stories from last week that may have missed mainstream coverage.**
Ballmer Leaves Microsoft; Swears He Took Drugs
In a move that’s about six years too late, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer is leaving the company. While it’s not been announced whether Ballmer is resigning on his own accord or has been forced out, the lack of positive production during his tenure cannot be ignored. However, Ballmer swears that he took extreme measures in attempting to create innovative products. “That Steve Jobs was full of shit,” the lame-duck executive proclaimed in a statement. “‘Drop acid,’ he said. ‘It will open your mind,’ he said. You know what happened when I took hallucinogenics? Vista, that’s what happened. Had to create the Zune just to get the bad taste out of my mouth. Thanks a lot, Steve.” Elsewhere, Apple CEO Tim Cook added a new room onto his home, to have a place where he can store various stacks of money when the new iPhone is released in about a month’s time.
New York Jets QBs Now Just Screwing With Us
Geno Smith threw three interceptions in the first half, Mark Sanchez injuries his shoulder in the 4th quarter (on a play that Coach Rex Ryan ironically dubbed Sanchez’s best of the preseason, no less), and now it has to be obvious to everyone that the New York Jets are just playing a huge prank on the American football-watching public. “It’s hard to fathom any other scenario,” said an NFL analyst who wishes to remain anonymous out of fear of Rex Ryan coming to massage his feet. “There’s no way that an NFL team could invest multiple millions of dollars into these players, only to produce two straight seasons of this under center. Something is fishy in East Rutherford, and it’s not just Rex’s tattoos.”
After 10 Years Of Employment, Man Still Doesn’t Understand 401k
Despite witnessing portions of his paycheck being taken out for no apparent reason, a veteran of a mid-size company admits he has no idea what a 401k is. “I’m told that I’ll get this money back someday, but who the hell really knows? You know what I do know, though? I’d like to have a new TV, that’s what I know.” After his yearly, two-hour session explaining the in’s and out’s of the defined contribution pension plan, the man responded “So it’s called 401k because you’re going to give me $401,000, right?” He was then offered him some complimentary cupcakes–which he readily accepted–and was thanked him for his time.