The Dire Consequences of an iPhone Alarm

The past few weekday mornings I’ve been cuddling with my phone.  Not because I feel any special affection for my phone (although, I must admit, it’s quite an amazing piece of technology), but more so because I’ve been riddled with guilt.

You see, as us kids do these days, I use my iPhone as an alarm clock.  Well, a couple weeks ago I hear a knock on my apartment door.  I answer and there’s someone who I’ve never seen before, but turns out he’s my next door neighbor (another “city life” anecdote — not knowing who’s been living next door to you for the past four years. ).  After some brief chit-chat, he asks me if I was hitting snooze on my alarm — and by “hitting snooze,” he meant repeatedly hitting snooze over the course of an hour or so — because he could hear it and it was waking him up.

Perhaps it was just me catching the new year’s resolution bug, or just your average attempt to get more out of the waking hours, but I’ve been trying to rise out of bed earlier and earlier.  Well, the first day I gave this a shot, it was nothing short of an abject failure.

But I couldn’t admit defeat that easily.  So when my neighbor asked me about it, I lied!  I straight up said it wasn’t me — or if it was me, I must’ve been doing it in my sleep and had no recollection of it whatsoever.  He knew I was lying, I knew he knew I was lying, and yet I still lied.  The truth is I snoozed the ever-loving hell out of that alarm.  I hit snooze so many times that even Siri was like “God damn it, dude!  I can’t do this any longer!” I mumbled out a few b.s. scenarios of what it could’ve been,  apologized “if it was me,” and told him I would do my best to make sure I’m not the cause of any wake up calls for the foreseeable future.

So now, in my perpetual pursuit to have my unproductive cake and eat it too, when my alarm goes off the first time, I grab it, hit snooze, and muffle the alarms that follow nine minutes later with my pillow.  I get to snooze my way through another wasted morning and my neighbor can continue to catch his z’s.  A win-win for everyone.

Now that I’ve solved that problem, maybe I should actually just try getting out of bed.


Mooned by Monday: August 5, 2013

**Mooned by Monday is a recap of news stories from last week that may have missed mainstream coverage.**

Bieber Puts Fan’s iPhone Down Pants; Accidentally Takes Picture; Scientists Confused

Justin Bieber’s desperate attempt to portray himself as a bad boy may or may not have taken a hit this past week.  During a performance in New Jersey, the Biebs dropped a fan’s iPhone down the front of his pants.  Upon removing, the “artist” tossed it back into the crowd.  Unbeknownst to Justin, the phone had taken a picture, and the photo — which is now virally making its way around the Internet — has left scientists stunned.  “We’re not sure what to make of this revelation,” said humanologist Brian Careds.  “We’re not even sure what that is.  And quite frankly, we’re not sure if we even want to know.  To be honest, I think I’m done with this business.”  Elsewhere, Steve Jobs reportedly rolled over in his grave.  More details to come.

Tiger Woods Wins WGC Bridgestone Invitational; Celebrates With Apple Juice

After a solid performance at this weekend’s Bridgestone Invitational, Woods basked in his glory by sucking down a six pack of Juicy Juice apple juice boxes.  “Ahhh,” said a relieved Woods, “just like old times.”  This is Woods wildest celebration in years, and the golf world is praying that this minor slip up doesn’t lead to a repeat of past poor behavior.  “We love Tiger, we really do,” said a guy who-watches-minor-golf-tournaments-and-should-really-find-some-better-way-to-spend-his-time, “but after what we’ve all been through, I just hope he remembers how far he has come.”  Later on, Woods was seen dining at a T.G.I. Fridays; his agents have yet to return are calls of inquiry on this latest development.

That Lady At Starbucks Still Hasn’t Ordered Her Damn Drink

After countless hours of standing at the counter, that lady still has yet to decide what to drink at Starbucks.  “Holy hell, she keeps saying ‘Do I want green tea? Or do I want a cappuccino? I don’t know what I’m in the mood for.’  It’s terrible,” stated the man directly behind her in line.  “I’m just trying to get some coffee before work, and I’ve got to put up with this.  I mean, where are we? North Korea?”  Starbucks employees say that while this disease of indecisiveness is rare, the one affected is generally oblivious to its happening; only those around them are left to be tortured by its cruel symptoms.  Baristas believe they may have found a cure, however, Starbucks refuses to share its secrets due to risk of theft by competitors.

Dropped Call: A Lover’s Lament

My Dearest Cell Phone,

Before I begin, please know that I do love you.  In fact, it’s greater than love.  It’s an addiction.  And I don’t see that changing anytime soon. So whatever may follow is only a constructive look at our relationship.

We’ve been together for almost twelve years now.  Remember those days in the beginning?  We were just a couple of dumb kids.  Life was so simple.  You had nothing but a monochrome screen, which of course you made sound co much cooler by calling it “digital”—like how old and smelly clothes became “vintage.”  We’d spend our days playing Snake, and no matter how hard I tried, you’d always win.  But I didn’t care; you were MY phone.  My own personal number.  My own exclusive escape.

But as the years have come and gone, you’ve taken on drastic changes.  Now, I understand that our society is obsessed with appearances, and everyone should take at least a little bit of pride in their looks.  But I’m afraid I’ve seen it all with you.  And really, who are you trying to impress?  Your elective surgeries and changes have gone too far.

At first, you were obsessed with losing weight, getting thinner and thinner, until you were damn near anorexic.  You had to be handled with such care, and the proved to be quite difficult, as you were so small my hands couldn’t get a good grip.  Often times, I’d even drop you in the toilet; which I have profusely apologized for (See, addicted.  Couldn’t even not use you while I was taking a piss).  And seriously, you thought “Razr” was a cool nickname?  Woah, look how edgy you are with your letter dropping (Ask your precious Siri to define sarcasm).

But then you went overboard.  Started adding hours of music, Internet access; you even got rid of your keypad.  What kind of phone doesn’t have a keypad?  And the more you changed, the more addicted I became.  Did you ever stop to think that maybe I don’t want to be distracted?  Perhaps I’d like to talk with the other customers at Starbucks while we wait for our chai soy lattes.  Maybe engaging in conversation with my family at the dinner table would be enjoyable; I don’t know, as I haven’t been able to do this in years!

And sure, I enjoy the attention from others.  They stare with great jealousy and utter under their breath, “I must have one.”  Got the gents at the country club thinking they should trade theirs in for a newer model.  A real eye catcher, you are.  And I’m grateful for that.  But there’s one issue that rides above all else.

Despite all your superficial enhancements, the core component of our relationship has never improved:  communication.  After all these years, I’m still turning my head upside down to get better reception.  Hell, I even make weird poses when it’s the other person that’s having quality issues.  I sacrificed my landline for you.  A landline with clear, crisp voices coming through.  I bought into your bullshit, and now I’m stuck with your terrible sound forever.  Love no longer exists in our relationship.  Now it’s nothing but pure addiction.

So Happy Valentine’s Day, Cell Phone.  Maybe next year, instead of getting the technological-equivalent of a third boob job, we can work on what’s on the inside.  And isn’t that what really matters?

The End of My Apple Addiction

In fall of 2002, I got my first iPod. When I asked my father about getting me one, he responded “What is that?” I was aware that the Baby Boomers were not up-to-date on the latest technology (and this is probably still the case), but I was happy to explain this magical device to him. While he admitted that he still didn’t quite understand, he went ahead and allowed me to order one.

Being overly excited, I had to tell my friends about it. When I shared this great news with them, I received the same response: “What is that?” At this point, the iPod had been out for about a year, and I was shocked that my fellow tech-savvy youngsters were just as clueless as my father.

In the beginning…

Needless to say, the iPod—and Apple as a whole—has grown a bit in popularity over the last 10 years, almost to the point now where the iPod is obsolete (Why carry around a device that can only play music when your phone already does the same thing?). They have become known for simple, efficient, and beautiful products. But could this be coming to an end? Has Apple gotten too big for its britches?

The Maps disaster that accompanied the release of the latest iPhone has been discussed ad nauseam, but I’m going to add my own bit. While I don’t really care about the 3D map viewing issues (why they even felt this was a necessary feature is another question, but whatever), the basic functionality of the app itself is terrible. Ask it for simple directions down the street and it will lead you on a journey to Anchorage. And the real-time traffic information doesn’t even sniff a level of mediocrity. Living in a major metropolitan area, I came to frequently rely on Google Maps traffic information. With Apple’s replacement app, I may as well just flip a coin to plan my routes.

Most recently, Apple released the iPad Mini. Despite Steve Jobs original push against the smaller tablets, the company may have felt pressure for and other tablet manufacturers to produce a smaller device. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that, except for the fact that Apple went cheap on the iPad Mini: the lack of retina display. Anyone who has been using an HD display on their phone or tablet for any amount of time can easily see the difference when they look at an older, lower quality screen. Apple doesn’t care though. They could have easily produced a high-quality screen to put on the iPad Mini, but instead they tried to rely on brand-name only and just pray that no one would notice. When a company known for striving for perfection deliberately cuts corners, it is not a good sign of things to come.

I fully realize this is the ultimate “First World Problems” post. But that doesn’t make the information any less true. Steve Jobs (albeit a bit of an asshole) built a great company. Unfortunately, I’m beginning to see signs that the ride is over. Judging by the devices I own, I would certainly appear to have an Apple addiction, but I purchased these products based on their past performance, before this recent string of duds.

The way things are going, I’m afraid that when I mention any Apple products to younger generations, I may be met with the same response my father gave me 10 years ago: “What is that?”